Death by Grasshopper

Jana wasn’t ordinarily prone to paranoia, but there was something about that grasshopper. It watched her. She wouldn’t have thought it possible to feel threatened by an insect, but this grasshopper was different. It was out to get her. She knew it.

There were grasshoppers everywhere—it was that time of year—and most of them didn’t bother her a bit. This one sat on the railing beside the stairs that led up to her apartment. She noticed him right away, because he sat still and watched her pass without jumping away. The first day, she thought it was interesting. The second day, she thought it was weird. By the third day, she was creeped out.

“Get out of here,” she said to him. She waved her hand over him. “Go on. Shoo. Scat.”

He just sat and watched her. Jana thought about flicking him off the railing, but she didn’t quite dare. She was afraid he might bite her hand if she got too close.

She started noticing other grasshoppers. Though the others weren’t threatening, they gave her an opportunity to study how grasshoppers jumped. It was decidedly scary. They could jump a long way—she might feel she was safely past the one on her railing, then he could jump onto the back of her neck and bite her. She’d never heard of anyone getting bitten by a grasshopper, but she felt sure this one wasn’t like the others. This one wanted to bite her. And he was poisonous.

It got so she was afraid to go home after work. She started trying to imagine other ways to get to her apartment, some sort of pulley system she could use to hoist herself in through her bedroom window. Finally, she told her friend Tyler about it.

He laughed at her. “A grasshopper? You’re afraid of a grasshopper?”

She’d expected the mockery, and it didn’t faze her. “Will you come kill it for me? Please?”

So Tyler came to her apartment with her after work. Jana stood on the sidewalk while he went up the stairs to where the grasshopper perched, waiting.

“Big, bad bug,” Tyler said, still laughing. He raised the swatter he’d brought to kill it.

The grasshopper jumped, directly at Tyler’s face. Jana screamed as Tyler stumbled back and lost his footing. He fell backward down the stairs and lay still at the bottom.

The grasshopper landed beside Tyler’s head and looked up at Jana. Before she could think, Jana brought her foot down on him and heard the crunch as he died. Her downstairs neighbor opened his door and said, “What happened?”

“Call 911,” Jana said. “My friend had an accident.”

Tyler was hurt, but he wasn’t dead. Jana was pretty sure he’d be okay. And now, thanks to him, she was pretty sure she’d be okay, too.